Sea Change - A Deep Dive into the Menopause - My story

I thought it was appropriate to write this at this moment during what I have come to think of as a ‘sinkhole’’ in my menopause journey. It’s when you think you are doing ok, not too creaky or fatigued, confidence returning, sense of self emerging once again, then BAM. You wake up in a sweaty, smelly fug with a sense of doom, anxiety that seems to have a tangible shape, aching all over like you have been pushed down the stairs and a feeling of grief or distress that makes everything seem untenable, useless, futile. This all married with a sense of shame and guilt that you are are too weak to succumb to this. And finally rage, rage against the machine that is your body and against society that, although is adapting, still seems to brush over the menopause like it's a dirty secret.

These days however, at least I know why I'm feeling this way and can therefore reason with myself that this too will pass, and hopefully bloody soon because I have a lot of shit to do!

My menopause journey began probably as far back as 7 years ago at 45ish. I remember suffering really severe aching in my legs and joints. It woke me up at night and I went to the Drs to get a blood test for some sort of rheumatoid arthritis. I remember asking the Dr in all seriousness if I could have rickets as I wear factor 50 all year round and perhaps during the winter I might not be getting enough Vit D. Nothing came up and the aching came and went sporadically over the next few years and that was that.

t wasn’t until a couple of years later at the beginning of 2020 I began to feel extreme anxiety and lowness and utter exhaustion. I have suffered anxiety and panic attacks my whole adult life but this was a different beast, insidious and heavy. I felt so apologetic of myself, like I wanted to commando across the floor instead of walk and everyday things like opening an email or answering the phone became an emotional torment. Then came covid and all the delights that that brought. I was also finally coming to terms with the fact I am in fact ADHD and was seeking a diagnosis. Menopause meant that the ADHD genie was completely out of the bottle. So it was pretty hard to unpack all these things, especially with brain fog so profound it felt like my brain had been wrapped in a hundred wet towels.

I mean WTAF? If it hadn’t been for the fact I had my young family to care for during that time, I reckon I might have succumbed to the very intrusive and insistent thought that I could just take myself off, into the sea or just run away and not come back, as afterall I was so useless, it would actually be better for everyone.  

Eventually I realised that perhaps it was not just me but something physical was happening. I sought HRT and an increase in antidepressants. I had done my research and was prepared with my NICE guidelines and ready for battle. I was lucky compared to many, my Dr didn’t resist too much but because I didn’t suffer from hot sweats (still don’t really) she shouldn’t really give me it, even though I had at least another 6 symptoms, as apparently one of the main things that HRT is licensed for is hot sweats. This enraged me, as I realised that everybody is different and menopause can manifest in lots of different unique ways per body.

I couldn’t believe that I didn’t initially understand the complexity of the menopause, that it is like a finger print for women, not everyone has the exact same journey. Some may breeze it, finding the process freeing and empowering, whilst others may find it a lot harder physically and mentally than they had ever expected or had heard about. 

On the flip side, I was also surprised and delighted at the sense of camaraderie and community amongst women living the same experience and an overall feeling of ‘f**k it’as inhibitions are shed and boundaries are broken. 

That is why I tentatively began my project - Sea Change - an exploration of menopause - in 2023. Ironically it has taken me this long to get back into it due to the menopause robbing me of my confidence and me taking time out to pursue a PG cert in Therapeutic Photography. It explores the transition in life for women going through menopause, how it can affect us physically and mentally; how we perceive society views us as we get older and how that can differ depending on ethnicities, cultures and generations.

I’m also very interested in the healthcare women receive and any neuro diversities that have popped up that you can no longer mask. It’s important that it is exposed, spoken about, shared and normalised. Not just for those of us at this stage but also for those who will go through it and those who are or will live with it. The hope is everyone can be a bit more aware and enlightened as knowledge is power right?

Being involved in Sea Change means a wee recorded interview and photo shoot where I will take some (intimate) photos of you and the parts of your body that have changed, that you may glorify in, or now lament. whatever you are comfortable with! I may ask you to take pics of me too.  It’s not racy in any way, but a somewhat no frills, deepdive cathartic look of the effect this time of life has on us holistically. Think of it as a bit of cathartic therapy, that will result in some incredibly strong and empowering pictures that you will never regret having. 

I began all of this because I felt the urge to take photos of myself, perhaps out of a morbid curiosity in the hope that I could begin to know and accept this new me. I still find it difficult to look at the pictures at times, I used to have the flattest stomach, sigh, but each time I look, it feels more normal, less monstrous if you like, and often I think, aye that’ll do but mostly I just think “f**k it!’

Give me a shout if you want to participate. It would be ace to meet you! Email or however you prefer to get in contact and I will get back with more information - no strings!

Email - hello@vickiwatson.photography