I lost a tooth the other day (plus a tale of two shits)

Well I didn’t lose it, it was extracted from me due to it being broken and causing me severe pain and sleepless nights. The process is pretty primal (ooft) but once it was done, I felt a real sense of relief mingled with guilt. I felt a bit like I had betrayed it, after all that tooth, that I made myself, had been with me for a long time and had witnessed and bore the brunt of a lot of my bad living and tooth grinding. I was just going to leave it there,  just walk away and carry on with my life after all these years of service.

There she blows, my little black heart, sorry for grinding you down pal.

I asked the dentist if I could keep it but apparently they ‘don’t tend to do that sort of thing these days’, so I asked if I could take a photo of it instead, to which they hesitantly agreed. As I left the room I was welling up and asked them to take care of ‘her’ as we had been through a lot together. OBVIOUSLY they must have thought I was bat shit crazy but for me it had proved quite a visceral experience that probably had more to do with the last year and the loss that seemed to dominate it.

2025 took two good friends of mine and my lovely mother in law.  I am now 52 and sadly, the losses do ramp up and make you very aware of your own mortality. I often quote the Billy Connolly phrase that we are in ‘snipers alley’ as we look around wondering who’s next? It's good to laugh but It is hard to escape the hot needling feeling of injustice as wonderful humans that so enriched our lives have had to leave the party far too early. 

It’s a doozy and it hurts and it hurts in different ways, hitting you at unexpected moments, fuelling fear and anxiety, sadness and guilt. Guilt, like my tooth, that you are leaving a good pal behind and carrying on with your life. BUT like my tooth (good god will this rank analogy never end?) there's a space that will never close up, even when it has healed.

Where we once sat. I find benches quite romantic and sad, like railways, they witness a lot of humanity.

It has been tough and paralysing at times but 2025 has also born some amazing moments. I feel so lucky to still be surrounded by my family, good friends, dogs, music, belly laughs and a few triumphs here and there. I now see life as a couple of lanes running parallel to each other, one full of good shit and one full of bad shit, occasionally the good shit takes the lead and sometimes the bad shit seems to be winning but all being well they run together in a big beautiful shitty symbiotic relationship. One needs the other to make you fully appreciate the here and now. Well, that's the theory anyway.

A family of stones, connected and protected in their watery layer

Overall I think the loss I have experienced over the last year and the years before that, make me feel more grateful for all I do have and the little things all around you that make you stop and look and listen. You can see why when some people get into their 50s and suddenly become an amateur botanist or a semi-professional twitterer. Perhaps you just begin to notice the world around you more, subconsciously realising we won’t be around forever to experience it. OR you have given up the raving and the kids have left and you just have more time to be. Who knows but there is comfort in this too, slowing down and smelling the proverbial coffee, pointing out the flowers in bloom or telling your kids or anyone in your vicinity to LOOK AT THE GLORIOUS LIGHT as they attempt to distance themselves from you.

Into the light

My passion is photography and using it to get out there and slow down and really look. The process of taking the picture and the enjoyment of being distracted or being lost in some really introspective and indulgent thoughts is therapeutic in itself. The selection of photos here are from the last few months taken as I try and process my own grief and loss. I don’t always do something with the pics but I do look back and they can remind me of a moment or a thought I had at the time. I really suggest that you give it a shot, if you think you would benefit and get out there with your phone or camera and try it, you might be surprised at how much you can see and how it makes you feel.

Roots ripped, greatness topples but leaves an impressive legacy.

Solitary but secure in its watery moat

I thought this one looked like it was losing its protective layer as it drained away

My mum recently told me a lovely but heartbreaking quote my Grandma said when she was nearing the end that really resonates, ‘The world is just so beautiful, I don’t want to leave it’.

My mother in law’s, Christine, bag of shoes ready for the charity. lots of life left in them, ready for someone else to walk in.

This is the year I hope to take my passion for Therapeutic Photography and turn it into a wee business sub plot alongside my other photography where I will run groups sessions that can be tailored to different themes and needs. , like grief for instance. Obviously I meant to do this last year but bad shit got in the way but this year in honour of my beautiful pals who perhaps had things they wanted to do but didn’t get the chance to, I’m f’ing well doing it.

So I am looking forward to 2026 but not in a, this year is gonna be brilliant and I will become new human and not failure, but actually lean into the fact there will be shit and all kinds of it but that is ok, I'll just have to learn to wade through it and not get stuck.* 

*(apologies for the shit chat, I can take things too far)